How do I start the process of writing down my own end-of-life wishes?

A good way to start is not with legal forms, but with your values. End-of-life planning is really two related things: deciding what matters to you, and then making sure the right people and documents can communicate those wishes if you can't.

Start with one page

Take a blank page and finish these sentences:

• If I became seriously ill, the things I would most want to preserve are…
• A quality of life that I would find unacceptable would be…
• If I couldn't speak for myself, I would want someone to make decisions based on…
• I would want my loved ones to know…
• The things that would make me feel safe or comfortable near the end of my life are…
• I have strong feelings about treatments such as CPR, breathing machines, feeding tubes, or prolonged hospitalization because…
• I would prefer to receive end-of-life care… (at home, hospice, hospital, wherever feels right to you)
• After I die, I have preferences about… (organ donation, burial/cremation, funeral or memorial, who should be contacted, etc.)

You don't need definitive answers to everything. “I don't know yet” is a perfectly legitimate answer.

Then choose your health-care decision-maker

Think about the person you would trust to speak for you if you couldn't communicate—not necessarily the person who agrees with you about everything. The important question is whether they would be able to understand and advocate for your wishes. You can also name a backup.

Tell that person something like: “I'm starting to write down what I would want if I couldn't make my own medical decisions. I may not know all the answers yet, but I'd like you to understand my priorities.”

Turn your notes into formal documents

Depending on where you live, this commonly includes:

• A living will/advance directive describing your medical-treatment preferences.
• A durable power of attorney for health care naming the person who can make medical decisions for you.
• Potentially medical orders such as DNR/POLST/MOLST, depending on your circumstances and state. These are different from an ordinary advance directive and can be especially important when someone is seriously ill or near the end of life.

The legal requirements vary by state, so use the appropriate state form rather than relying on a generic document. You generally don't need a lawyer just to create an advance directive, although legal advice can be useful for complicated situations.

The nia.nih.gov are a particularly gentle place to begin—they include exercises about your values, treatment decisions, talking with your doctor, and choosing a health-care proxy.

One important thing

Don't put the document in a drawer and forget about it. Give copies to your health-care proxy and appropriate health-care providers, and revisit your wishes periodically and after major life changes. Your wishes can change; the plan isn't a once-and-for-all decision.

If you'd like, I can also ****, and .

Starting the process of recording your end-of-life wishes can feel overwhelming, but breaking it down into small, manageable steps makes it much easier. You don't have to do it all at once.

• Reflect on your values — Think about what matters most to you, such as being at home versus a hospital, who you want by your side, and what medical interventions you would or would not want (like ventilators or artificial nutrition).
• Explore advance directive tools — Look into formal templates that guide you through documenting these choices. You can review resources like the National Institute on Aging Advance Care Planning to understand living wills and durable powers of attorney for healthcare.
• Choose a healthcare proxy — Select a trusted person who will speak for you if you cannot speak for yourself. Have an open conversation with them to ensure they understand and are willing to honor your specific wishes.
• Draft your documents — Fill out state-specific advance directives or use platforms like The Conversation Project for conversation starter guides to help put your thoughts into words.
• Consult legal or medical professionals — Talk to your primary care doctor about adding your wishes to your medical chart, or consult an estate attorney to ensure your documents meet your state's legal requirements (such as witness signatures or notarization).
• Store and share copies — Keep your completed documents in an accessible place (not a locked safety deposit box) and give copies to your healthcare proxy, family members, and primary physician.

Would you like help with:

• Finding state-specific advance directive forms?
• Tips on how to start the conversation with your family?
• What the difference is between a living will and a healthcare power of attorney?

A good way to begin is not with forms or legal language, but with your values. End-of-life planning is really about helping other people make decisions that reflect what matters to you if you can’t speak for yourself. The National Institute on Aging recommends taking it one step at a time.

1. Start with a simple “What matters to me?” page

Take 15–20 minutes and answer these in your own words:

• What makes life worth living for me?
• What abilities or experiences would I consider essential to my quality of life?
• What would I most want to avoid?
• If I were seriously ill, what would I want my care to prioritize—living as long as possible, comfort, independence, being at home, being with family, or some combination?
• What fears do I have about dying?
• Are there religious, spiritual, cultural, or personal practices I would want respected?
• Who understands me well enough to speak for me?

You don't need to make definitive decisions about every medical treatment yet.

2. Think through a few hypothetical situations

For example:

“If I had an illness from which my doctors believed I was unlikely to recover, how much would I want treatment aimed at prolonging my life if that treatment meant spending my remaining time in a hospital?” Also consider situations involving permanent unconsciousness, severe brain injury, or advanced illness.

Your answers don't have to be medical terminology. “I would rather be comfortable and at home than undergo repeated hospitalizations with little chance of recovery” can be much more useful to your loved ones than a vague “I don't want extraordinary measures.”

NIA provides worksheets specifically for thinking through values and treatment decisions.

3. Choose someone who could speak for you

Consider naming a health care proxy—someone you trust to make medical decisions if you cannot communicate.

The important question isn't simply “Who loves me?” It's:

“Who could hear what the doctors recommend, understand what I would want, and advocate for it even if other people disagreed?”

Talk with that person beforehand and make sure they're willing to take on the responsibility.

4. Put the important parts into legal documents

In the U.S., two common components are:

• Living will: records your preferences about medical treatment in specified circumstances.
• Durable power of attorney for health care: formally names your health care proxy.

The exact requirements vary by state, including whether witnesses or notarization are required. You generally don't need a lawyer, although legal advice can be useful for complicated circumstances.

5. Don't forget the non-medical wishes

You can also write down things such as:

• Where you'd prefer to receive end-of-life care, if possible
• Who you'd want around you
• Hospice or comfort-focused care preferences
• Organ/tissue donation
• Religious or spiritual rituals
• Funeral or memorial preferences
• What you'd want done with your belongings, pets, photographs, or important personal items

A care plan can include both medical wishes and preferences for what happens after death.

6. Tell people where the document is

A beautifully written advance directive isn't very useful if nobody can find it.

Give copies to your health care proxy and doctor, and keep the original somewhere accessible. Revisit your wishes periodically—NIA recommends reviewing them at least annually and after major life changes.

An easy first step tonight

If the whole process feels overwhelming, open a blank page and simply finish these three sentences:

“If I become seriously ill, what matters most to me is…”

“A situation I would find unacceptable is…”

“If I cannot speak for myself, I want ______ to make medical decisions for me because…”

That's enough to start. You can turn those thoughts into formal documents afterward.

If you'd like, I can also walk you through the process one question at a time and help you create a personal end-of-life wishes document—without requiring you to know any legal or medical terminology.

Starting the process of writing down your end-of-life wishes can feel overwhelming, but breaking it down into smaller, manageable steps makes it much easier. You don't have to do it all at once.

• Step A: Reflect on your core values and what quality of life means to you. Think about what matters most—being at home, pain management, or having specific family members present.
• Step B: Talk informally with the people closest to you or those who might act as your healthcare proxy, so they understand your general perspective before you put pen to paper.
• Step C: Choose the right legal and planning documents to capture your medical, financial, and personal preferences (such as a living will, healthcare power of attorney, and a final arrangement plan).
• Step D: Draft your wishes using accessible templates, or consult with an estate planning attorney or local legal aid if your situation involves complex assets or specific family dynamics.
• Step E: Sign, witness, or notarize the documents according to your state or local laws to ensure they are legally binding.
• Step F: Store the completed documents in an accessible place (not a locked safety deposit box that others can't open immediately) and give copies to your healthcare proxy and primary care physician.

Would you like help with:

• Finding specific state-by-state advance directive forms
• Drafting a conversation starter for your family
• Understanding the difference between a living will and a healthcare proxy

Starting to write down your end-of-life wishes can feel daunting, but breaking it down into smaller, manageable steps makes it much easier. You don't have to do it all in one sitting.

Here is a clear, step-by-step guide to help you begin:

1. Reflect on your core values and priorities

• Personal values: Think about what matters most to you—being pain-free, being at home, involving your family, or keeping your dignity intact.
• Quality of life: Consider what an acceptable quality of life looks like for you (e.g., being able to recognize loved ones, communicating, or being independent).

1. Decide on the legal and practical documents you need

• Advance Directive / Living Will: This outlines your specific medical preferences if you become unable to speak for yourself (e.g., views on life support, ventilators, or tube feeding).
• Medical Power of Attorney (Healthcare Proxy): This designates a trusted person to make medical decisions on your behalf if you are incapacitated.
• Last Will and Testament: This dictates how your financial assets and personal belongings will be distributed after your death.

1. Use guided worksheets or toolkits

• Free resources: Organizations like The Conversation Project offer free conversation starter kits to help you figure out what matters to you and how to talk about it.
• State-specific forms: Check out AARP or your state’s specific health department website to find legally recognized advance directive forms for your jurisdiction.

1. Talk with your chosen healthcare proxy and loved ones

• Share your decisions: Sit down with the person you want to name as your medical proxy to make sure they understand your wishes and are willing to take on the responsibility.
• Clear up misconceptions: Explaining why you made certain choices helps your family feel more confident and less burdened if they ever have to make a tough call.

1. Consult with professionals

• Legal advice: For wills and binding legal documents, consider consulting an estate planning attorney.
• Medical guidance: You can also review your living will with your primary care physician to ensure your medical preferences are realistic and clearly stated.

1. Store copies safely and review regularly

• Accessibility: Give copies of your medical directives to your doctor, your healthcare proxy, and close family members. Keep a copy in an easily accessible place at home (not locked in a safe no one can open).
• Updates: Review your documents every few years, or after major life events like marriage, divorce, a major diagnosis, or the death of a loved one.

If you'd like, let me know:

• Do you want help finding state-specific advance directive forms?
• Are you looking for tips on how to start the conversation with your family?

A good way to start is not with legal forms, but with your values. End-of-life planning can feel intimidating, but you don't have to settle every question at once. The National Institute on Aging recommends starting small and letting the plan evolve.

1. Start with a one-page “What matters to me” note

Set aside 20–30 minutes and answer, in your own words:

• What makes life worth living for me?
• What abilities or experiences would I most want to preserve?
• What kinds of suffering would I find unacceptable?
• If I were seriously ill, what would I want my care to focus on—living as long as possible, comfort, staying at home, maintaining independence, or some combination?
• Where would I ideally want to receive care?
• Are there religious, spiritual, cultural, or personal practices I would want respected?
• Who do I trust to speak for me if I can't speak for myself?

You don't need medical terminology or perfect answers.

2. Think through a few medical scenarios

For example:

“If I had an illness from which my doctors didn't expect me to recover, what kinds of treatment would I want?” Consider things such as CPR, being placed on a ventilator, artificial nutrition, hospitalization, intensive care, and comfort-focused or hospice care. You don't necessarily need to decide each treatment immediately; your doctor can explain what the choices would actually mean in your circumstances.

3. Choose the person you'd want making decisions

This is often called a health care proxy, health care agent, or medical power of attorney. The person should be someone you trust to represent your wishes—even if their own preferences are different. You can also name a backup.

A useful question to ask yourself is:

“If my family disagreed about what I would want, who would I trust to speak for me?” Then talk with that person about your wishes.

4. Turn your notes into formal documents

Depending on where you live, this generally involves an advance directive, which can include a living will and designation of a health care proxy. The exact legal requirements vary by state. You generally don't need a lawyer, and free state-specific forms are available.

The NIA also provides free advance-care-planning worksheets that walk you through values, treatment decisions, choosing a proxy, and talking with your doctor.

5. Make sure the right people know

Once you've completed the documents, give copies to your health care proxy and health care providers, and keep the originals somewhere accessible. Don't simply put the document in a drawer where nobody knows it exists.

And revisit your wishes periodically. They can change as your circumstances and priorities change; NIA suggests reviewing them at least annually and after major life events.

An easy way to begin tonight

Open a blank page and write just this:

“If I become seriously ill and can't speak for myself, I want the people caring for me to know that…”

Then write for ten minutes without worrying about whether it's legally precise. That document doesn't have to be your final advance directive—it is simply the beginning of your conversation.

You can start writing down your end-of-life wishes by reflecting on your personal values, learning about life-sustaining medical treatments, and choosing a trusted health care proxy to speak on your behalf.

As noted by Our Life Celebrations , getting started involves a clear, step-by-step approach to ensure your physical, medical, and personal preferences are properly documented and respected.

Steps to Begin Your End-of-Life Plan

1. Reflect on your values and choices
   • Consider what quality of life means to you and how you feel about interventions like mechanical ventilation, feeding tubes, or cardiopulmonary resuscitation (CPR).
   • Review resources from organizations like Compassion & Choices to help put your priorities on paper.
2. Appoint a healthcare proxy
   • Choose a trusted family member or friend to act as your medical power of attorney or representative.
   • Talk to them in depth so they clearly understand your choices and are willing to advocate for them if you cannot speak for yourself.
3. Draft legal advance directives
   • Create a living will to specify which medical treatments you do or do not want in end-of-life scenarios.
   • Discuss specific clinical orders, such as a Do Not Resuscitate (DNR) order, directly with your physician to add them to your medical record.
4. Organize financial and personal documents
   • Compile key records—such as bank accounts, insurance policies, and property titles—following guidelines from the National Institute on Aging.
   • Write down funeral preferences, pet care instructions, and digital account details in a letter of intent.
5. Share and store copies
   • Give copies of your signed documents to your healthcare proxy, primary doctor, and close family members.
   • Keep the originals in a secure, accessible location (avoiding overly locked spaces that loved ones cannot open in an emergency).

If you'd like, let me know:

• Are you looking for guidance on a specific legal document (like a living will or power of attorney)?
• Do you need help finding state-specific forms?

I can help you narrow down the exact next steps or resources you need.

Starting this can feel surprisingly emotional, but you don’t have to figure everything out at once. The goal is to give yourself—and the people who may someday speak for you—a clearer sense of what matters to you.

Start with your values, not medical forms

Before thinking about ventilators, CPR, or specific treatments, write a page answering questions like:

• What makes life worth living for me?
• What abilities or experiences would I most want to preserve?
• What kinds of suffering would I find unacceptable?
• If I were seriously ill, would comfort or extending my life generally be more important to me?
• Where would I ideally want to receive care—at home, in a hospital, hospice, somewhere else?
• Who understands me well enough to make decisions if I can't?
• Are there religious, spiritual, cultural, or personal wishes I want respected?
• What would I want my loved ones to know about how I think about dying?

The National Institute on Aging recommends beginning with your values and wishes; its worksheets are specifically designed to help you work through these questions.

Then turn those thoughts into a simple plan

In the U.S., the formal part is generally called advance care planning. Two important documents are:

• Living will / advance directive: describes the medical treatments you would or wouldn't want in particular circumstances.
• Durable power of attorney for health care: names a health care proxy—someone you trust to make medical decisions if you can't communicate.

Your proxy is especially important because no document can anticipate every possible medical situation. Ideally, choose someone who knows your values and is willing to advocate for them, even when the decisions are difficult.

A very easy way to begin tonight

Open a blank document and put this at the top:

My wishes for future medical care

What matters most to me is…

A life I would consider acceptable is…

A situation in which I would not want treatment merely to prolong my life is…

If I could not speak for myself, I would want ___ to make decisions for me because…

I would especially want my doctors and loved ones to know…

I would prefer to receive end-of-life care…

Things I want respected after my death include… Don't worry about making these statements legally perfect yet. First capture what you actually believe. You can then discuss the difficult medical scenarios with your doctor and transfer your wishes into the appropriate legal forms for your state. Requirements for completing those forms vary by state.

Finally, tell the person you've chosen what you've written and give copies of your completed documents to them and your health-care providers. It's also wise to revisit the plan periodically and after major life changes.

If you'd like, I can also walk you through this one question at a time and help you create a personal end-of-life wishes document—without making you tackle the whole thing at once.

Starting to write down your end-of-life wishes can feel daunting, but breaking it down into smaller, manageable steps makes it much easier. You don't have to do it all at once.

• Reflect on your core values by thinking about what matters most to you. Consider what quality of life looks like for you, where you would want to be, and who you would want around you.
• Talk with a trusted person or designated healthcare proxy about your feelings, values, and what kind of medical interventions you would or would not want.
• Choose a legal document format, such as an Advance Directive, Living Will , or Durable Power of Attorney for Healthcare , depending on what you want to cover.
• Use reputable resources or templates to guide your writing. For instance, you can explore free, state-specific guides through AARP or the National Institute on Aging.
• Consult an attorney or use verified online estate planning tools if you want your financial and asset wishes formally bound in a will or trust.
• Share copies of your completed documents with your healthcare proxy, family members, and primary care doctor so everyone knows where they are kept.
• Review and update your wishes periodically, especially after major life events like marriage, divorce, a major diagnosis, or the loss of a loved one.

If you'd like, let me know:

• Which state or country you live in (as legal requirements vary)
• Whether you want to focus primarily on medical care or financial/estate planning

I can help point you toward the right specific forms and steps for your area.

Starting to write down your end-of-life wishes can feel like a big task, but you can begin with a simple reflection rather than a legal document. The goal is to make your values and preferences clear so the people helping you know what matters to you. Advance care planning commonly includes thinking through your wishes, choosing someone you trust to speak for you if needed, and putting your preferences into appropriate documents.

1. Start with your values, not medical decisions

Before deciding about specific treatments, write a few sentences answering questions like:

• What makes life meaningful to me?
• What abilities or experiences are most important for my quality of life?
• What kinds of suffering would I find unacceptable?
• What would I want my loved ones to understand about my choices?
• If I could not recover, what would “comfort” and “dignity” mean to me?

Example:

“Being able to recognize my family and communicate with them is very important to me. If I were unlikely to regain awareness or independence, I would want my care focused on comfort rather than extending life at all costs.”

2. Choose a person to speak for you

Think about who you would trust to make health care decisions if you could not speak for yourself. This person is often called a health care agent, proxy, or durable power of attorney for health care. The best choice is someone who understands your values and can make difficult decisions on your behalf.

Ask yourself:

• Would this person be able to handle disagreements from family members?
• Would they follow my wishes even if they personally felt differently?
• Have I talked with them about what matters to me?

3. Consider the medical situations you want to address

You do not need to predict every possible scenario. Start with the big ones:

• If I were permanently unable to communicate, what kinds of care would I want?
• If doctors believed I had a terminal condition, would I want treatments that might extend life but not improve my condition?
• How do I feel about: - CPR if my heart stops?
• A breathing machine?
• Artificial nutrition or hydration?
• Being hospitalized versus receiving care at home?
• Comfort-focused care such as hospice?

A living will or advance directive is where many people record these preferences. These documents can include instructions about treatments and who should make decisions if they cannot.

4. Write a first draft in plain language

You can begin with a page titled:

“My End-of-Life Wishes”

Include:

• What matters most to me:
• What I hope my caregivers understand:
• My fears or concerns:
• My preferences for medical care:
• Who I want involved in decisions:
• My wishes for comfort, surroundings, music, spiritual care, visitors, or personal rituals:

This first version does not need to be perfect.

5. Make it official when you are ready

Once you have thought through your wishes, look into your state’s advance directive forms and requirements. Rules vary by state, and forms may need witnesses or notarization. After completing documents, share copies with your chosen decision-maker, health care providers, and family members who need to know.

A useful first step today could simply be writing answers to these three prompts:

1. “The things that make life worth living for me are…”
2. “If I cannot speak for myself, I would want my loved ones to remember that…”
3. “The care I would want most at the end of my life is…”

If you’d like, I can also help you create a simple one-page end-of-life wishes worksheet you can fill out privately before making any legal documents.